Swiss Medical Practitioner

Tenho muita pena de não ter escrito este texto da minha cabeça. Recebi-o de um colega do Bambi. Não posso deixar de o partilhar com todos vós. Achei-o hilariante!

(...) "Speaking of handsome things, I went to the doctor for a check-up the other day. He's the same doctor that a lot of B** people use (yep, the guy that didn't notice we had an outbreak of TB a couple of years back) and after a quick examination he said "Mr FR***, I have some bad news for you." Now that's a phrase you hope not to hear from your medical practitioner. Coming from a car mechanic or plumber it's not good, from your bank manager it's going to be painful … but from your doctor … I grimly braced myself for the worst.
"Yes, Mr FR**. I am afraid that, in clinical terms, you are …" he paused dramatically … "a beast."
Now I've been insulted before but it's usually by family and, after all, I am paying this guy.
"Sorry doctor, are you calling me a … beast?"
"Yes, and it concerns me somewhat."
Well I am glad to hear that he is concerned and I'll bear that in mind when I'm howling at the moon or turning green or whatever it is that this "Jekyll & Hyde" condition entails. I'm a beast, a monster; I have some rare condition that will force me to become an outcast from society … moving from town to town while I work to discover a cure for the beast that dwells within. And how did this happen? I'll bet it's all that equipment that PJ keeps under his desk, I've been blasted with gamma radiation by his bloody machines and now my DNA has mutated in this freakish way. I'm going to turn hairy all over (can you get shampoo for that?) and sprout fangs, but it's ok because my doctor is "somewhat concerned".
"Well there are some treatments available to deal with this."
Yeah, does it involve a night-time trip by horse and cart to a castle? Will I get to meet Igor and the villagers with burning torches?
"And you measure only 31, while the limit for a beasity is 30. And many people are now suffering from a beasity."
What kind of weird Swiss mountain medicine is this? Is he saying that my DNA is only 31% mangled? Will I only turn pale blue and not bright green? Listen, if I'm suffering from this condition then I want to go the whole hog, I want the power to smash through brick walls … no more security passes for me! Eh?
"Sorry doctor, did you say that I am suffering from 'a beasity'?"
"Jah, a beasity …"
"Doctor, I think you mean o-besity."
"Jah, that is what I am saying, obese. You are suffering from obesity."
"Ah, that's ok then."
So that's it, I can take a hint and the diet starts tomorrow. Anybody planning to invite me over for a festive meal should note that I'm only eating rocket salad and prunes; Friday beers are now replaced by a glass of Perrier and a packet of rice cakes. And our poker evenings should include some sort of physical exercise (other than going to the front door to collect the pizza delivery)... "